Apple increases app tax to 40% to cover increased research costs

Tim Cook, Chief Operating Officer (COO) of Apple Inc, announced today in a press conference that Apple will be increasing its 30% cut of all in-app subscription and content revenues to 40%. When the crowd calmed down, after about 15 minutes of yelling and booing, Mr. Cook explained that Apple has good reason to do so. “Seeing that Mr. Jobs is Apple’s only real source of inspiration, and his absence causes our stock to dive like a kamikaze pilot, we have concluded that we need to clone him, and we need to do it fast. We’ll use that extra 10% to invest in human cloning technology. Apple has already used human cloning at our Foxconn factory, where we successfully doubled the factory’s personnel, but half of those clones turned purple and exploded after a few months.Now, I hope you can all agree with me, it wouldn’t help Apple to have a purple, exploding CEO clone, so that’s why we need your money”, Mr. Cook told the audience. When asked about prices of other products, Cook said “That’s a great idea, actually. I guess we could just add 10% on the iPad 2 as well”. Steve Jobs was not present at the press conference, but was spotted outside a facility for cryogenic experiments.