Final Interview with Apple’s Steve Jobs: 5 Shockingly Honest Answers
Me: Thank you very much for having me Mr. Jobs. My first question is, will you join the Giving Pledge, now that you have stepped down, considering your huge fortune?
Jobs: Hahaha. That is a good one! Oh, it hurts when I laugh. No son, I am joining a slightly different effort. It’s called the Give Me Pledge. It comes down to the same thing, I’m asking super-rich folks to donate half of their wealth too, but it benefits me, hehe.
Me: I heard talk of a foundation. What is its purpose?
Jobs: Oh yes, that is the Steve Jobs Foundation. It helps to glorify my leadership. Got some good tips from Kim Jong Il for that. I can’t wait to see that 100 foot marble statue it will build for me.
Me: Interesting. Question number two, how do you envision the future leadership at Apple?
Jobs: Well, I was told to not use this word so often but I just have to – it will be magical. Right now we’re working on cloning me, so I can lead Apple for eternity. I mean, Tim is a nice guy for sure, but I keep having those nightmares in which he starts making all our iProducts sort of gay. Brrr.
Me: Wow, cloning, that’s very advanced. How is it coming along?
Jobs: It’s going pretty well so far, but you’ll understand I am not at liberty to divulge any details… I just wish we wouldn’t lose those damn prototypes. Last night one of my clones got drunk in a tequila bar in San Francisco. He did a whole karaoke show about the iPad 3 too. But, otherwise, we’re right on track.
Me: Alright. So, question 3… why does Apple use the “i” prefix for products and services?
Jobs: Yeah, that’s a good one. I tried to get “SJ” for it, you know, my initials, but it just didn’t sound well. “Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: the sssjjjPad. You can use with our sssjjjCloud.” I used it in an internal presentation, but people thought I’d had braces installed. So we settled on the i. We now plan to sue until we get exclusive use of the letter I, actually.
Me: Oh… hmmm. Interesting. My next question: Are you physically unable to wear other clothes than blue jeans and black turtlenecks?
Jobs: Well, I guess I could just say it now. I’m dying to wear other clothes… oh, that came out wrong, hehe. No, I’d love to wear other clothes, but it’s a fetish of my wife. I tried for many years, but only the blue jeans and black turtlenecks turn her on. She even got me to tattoo the outfit on my entire body. Look, I’ll show you…
Me: Oh, no, no… that won’t be necessary. I’m sure there’s an Apple Agreement that forbids such display. Please, sit down for my last question. What are you going to do now?
Jobs: I’ve been wondering the same. At first it seemed like a great idea to re-enact the whole Crusades, going after Samsung Galaxy devices all over Europe – the Tablet Wars. If my health permitted, I would have done that, but my focus now is on World Domination. Again, I can’t say too much, but I’ll tell you, I’m pretty excited about the iGod religion we’re launching next year.
The interview continued for several hours, and included a private tour through Mr. Jobs fascinating personal laboratory. Sadly, notes and recordings of this part were damaged after a malfunctioning clone of Mr. Jobs tried to eat them.
Join me next week, when I reveal how iOS mind control is paving the way for the iGod religion.
This article was first published on Technorati.
