Apple’s iPhone 5: 5 Solid Reasons Why You Should Skip It

It has finally arrived: The much anticipated iPhone 5. Words fail to describe its beauty, fanboys say, so I went to the Apple Store, where a clever and probably illegally strong suction system at the entrance spit me into the store.

And then – I touched an iPhone 5 package. I thought it was a joke, that the package would stick to your fingers and pump endorphins into your brain, but oh no – touching is buying, baby.

I’ve been using the iPhone 5 for a week now, and I can tell you already: You can safely skip this one. Here’s 5 solid reasons why the iPhone 5 brings new meaning to the word “bizarre”.

1: Bizarre look & feel

In a half-hearted attempt to create a “magical” new phone that comes closer to the iPad, Apple has produced a phone that looks mostly like someone had a good time with a rolling pin. The iPhone 5’s display measures a whopping 5 inches in diagonal, while it has become just 0.15 inch thick. I need tweezers to pick it up, actually.

The "Pay Even More, Get Even Less" phone

Some of my friends thought it was an iPhone-like coaster, actually. Others felt sorry that someone parked his truck on my phone. Damn, one more comment like that and I’ll just add it to my modern arts collection.

2: Bizarre antenna solution

You must have heard of the Grip of Death that made the iPhone 4 such an awkward device to use. To solve this once and for all, the iPhone 5 engineers have decided to use a much more natural antenna – you.

That’s right. The iPhone 5 requires you to raise your pinky like a good gay man to make a decent phone call. You better believe me if you don’t want enjoy raised eyebrows and muffled giggles from your friends, or want to take your calls in toilets.

3: Bizarre battery charging

iPhone owners are notorious for their power-prowling behavior, sucking juice from orphan USB cables and unattended outlets every chance they get. With the iPhone 5, that’s no longer necessary.

You can charge anytime, anywhere, thanks to the new Friction Charging System. It sounds geeky, but it simply means you gotta rub it on your skin to charge it. And the best part: That’s the only way to charge it.

Oh no. Where I can rub my phone privately?

It’s absolutely “green”, but also utterly embarrassing. I still remember I was waiting for my new girlfriend, while rubbing my iPhone 5 on my upper leg… or so I thought. She walked over to me and said cynically, “Gee, it’s amazing how versatile those new phones are!”

4: Bizarre color

Sources at Apple report that Steve Jobs has led his feminine side guide him for the iPhone 5 design, which has resulted in the iPhone 5 only being available in a harsh pink color.

The iPhone 5, the Power of Pink. Ugh!

Really, You don’t want to know how many dates I had that went just fine until the lady spotted my phone. Be aware of the special lamps they use in the Apple Store, friends. It’s frigging pink.

5: Bizarre behavior

After struggling with bandwidth issues for years, now we finally have LTE, which should bring us stellar speeds, of 100 Mbit download and 50 Mbit upload (yay, now I can enjoy Google Porn on my phone!).

The iPhone 5 also supports LTE, but Apple has tried to keep the iPhone affordable by using second-hand components, which have some interesting side effects. I was using the iPhone on the subway, and after half an hour of streaming some HD video, the phone started to get, well, sweaty. Yeah, sweaty, and pretty warm, too.

The iPhone 5 might be "too hot to handle"

At first, I thought it was my hand, but no – it kept getting warmer and wetter. Actually started to smell quite funky too, like I’d been running for hours. People started to look my way, and a 4-year old girl asked her mom in a loud voice, “Mommy, is that iPhone going to explode?”.

Well, to make a look story short – I did something for which Steve Jobs will probably hunt me down personally: I stood up, opened the subway window and threw it out.

So, now you know why you’d better skip the iPhone 5. Join me next time, when I investigate what kind of voodoo Steve is stuffing in the iPad 3.

This articles was first published on Technorati.