Drunk Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer about five intriguing changes in Windows 8
Microsoft has been working hard on the next generation of Windows systems, improving on Windows 7. Recently, a few screenshots of Windows 8 Milestone 1 were leaked, but we decided we needed to get more. After a few weeks of stalking, we managed to catch Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer alone in a quiet bar, and after liberal application of tequila and scotch, he was more than happy to share 5 very interesting changes in the upcoming version of Windows.
Apologies in advance for the unusual tone of voice of Mr. Ballmer, but we feel his personal narrative adds a more rich perspective.
1: Change of System Font
Steve: “We realized that Windows should make people happy, not just productive and efficient and yadda-yadda. So, we got rid of that stupid Calibri font and made my good friend Comic Sans king. I’m telling you, it looks good man! It’s got such a good vibe. Especially combined with the Beach Boys background music. That’s default too.”
2: Change of HTML Render Engine
Steve: “As you know, we really pissed people off by letting Word render emails in Outlook 2007. Hehehe. And then we pissed them off some more by just ignoring all those pathetic protesters and continued with Super Lame Rendering in Outlook 2010. Hehehe! Well! In Windows 8, all HTML rendering will be done with Word. Whatever browser you use. Even if you don’t have Word installed. We just invade and render with Word! Hahaha! I know! Brilliant, right!?”
3: Special Edition For Special Needs
Steve Ballmer knows how to have a good time building Windows
Steve: “We heard Google is fooling around with that nasty Google Porn service. Grrr! So I said, we can do soooo much better. We’ll have a Windows 8 Porn Edition! Yeah, baby, yeah! It comes preloaded with a 2 TB collection of pics and vids, you can choose your taste when installing it, it has self-learning slideshows, it can even assemble custom movies for you with all your favorite scenes! I mean, it’s gross but sex sells. Oh, you should see the cover. Absolutely hilarious!”
4: New Assistence
Steve: “Ever since we got bashed because that damned Office Paperclip I was thinking of a way to bring a personalized assistant back to Windows. And then it just hit me: I’m perfect for it! In Windows 8, you can always see the top of my head in the lower right corner and then you can knock on my head, or drag me up by my hair if you can hahaha, and I will just give you advice! No need to type a question or anything – I only had time to record videos for advice about restarting, reinstalling and defragmenting, you see.”
5: Integration of Games
Steve: “As part of the whole ‘make people happy, not just productive’ idea, Steven Sinofsky [President of the Windows division] and me have decided to merge all the Windows games into the interface. So, when you pull up the Start menu, it’s not just a boring list of prrrrograms, no! It fills the whole screen, like a small casino – roulette, blackjack, texas hold’em, all right at your fingertips! And in Explorer we have this special panel so you can do a quick game of Solitaire. Or sweep some mines. Hehe. Yeah, good stuff!”
After this point, Mr. Ballmer was physically unable to produce coherent verbal output, but we must agree, Windows 8 definitely looks promising.
