Google Porn beta: Very convenient, but also quite creepy
As we all know, Google is always working hard on new services; each employee can spend part of their time on whatever they think has potential. Sometimes that results in wonderful new services, such as Google Scam, which takes all the hard work out of a original Nigerian scam; or Google Spam, which can deliver all your marketing email in GMail.
Better than music
I was excited to be invited to participate in a closed beta program for Google’s latest offering: Google Porn. I was enthusiastic about the Music service, but porn, that’s where I could really use a hand. I carry around a fat portable harddisk, a travel DVD player, a netbook and my phone to be able to provide myself adequate entertainment at all times – so yes, I was all ready to take my porn into the cloud.
More than just a service
Google Porn isn’t just about making your adult entertainment available wherever you go – oh no. It’s a lifestyle. You start by uploading your photos and videos, of course. Depending on the size of your collection, … well, let’s just say, it’s best to sneak into a nearby datacenter and upload there. Don’t watch stuff while you’re uploading like I did, though.
Thorough analysis
Of course, Google wouldn’t be Google if they wouldn’t analyze your nasty stuff. There’s free statistics – plenty of them. I was surprised to learn 57% of my videos contained unnaturally inflated breasts, 3% would be useful for sexual education in highschool, and in 78% fluid exchanges resulted in nasty stains on a carpet. You’ll understand I cannot fully disclose what else the analysis yielded, but believe me – it’s thorough.
Automatic management
Eww - now Google even knows what turns you on
I had just gotten used to the idea that Google now knows exactly how much I love it when women in spandex have fun with men in bubblewrap when the automatic management feature kicked in. Yes, there’s a Page Rank, but there’s also a Porn Rank – and anything below 4 is silently but mercilessly removed. I was forced to reflect on my personal standards as no less than 62% of my collection was eliminated.
Recommendations
That was probably in my best interest, but then came the recommendations. Based on the analysis, Google Porn had humbly gathered “materials compatible with your apparent interests”. You’d say, great, that’ll save you a ton of time, but I was shocked. According to Porn, my interests were best served with a combination of eldery women, finger fetish, and some accessoires commonly found in a barn.
This all popped up just as I was showing off my improved collection to a bunch of friends, so you can imagine they all think quite different of me now. I’ll just tell you what I told them – it must be a bug. It’s a beta, right.
Conclusion
To summarize: Google Porn is a dangerous new service. Only those with a firm sense of their sexual identity should use it, and even then it’s highly addictive, to a point where it could disrupt your… oh, some new recommendations just came in. Gotta go now.
