Steve Ballmer rated worst tech CEO, fails suicide attempt
Steve Ballmer, CEO of Microsoft Corporation since January 2000, was recently rated by Microsoft employees for approval of his leadership. For the last two years, Glassdoor.com has regularly surveyed employees of a dozen major tech companies and asked them to rate their CEOs. It just announced the latest year rankings, and Mr. Ballmer continues his nose dive from merely 46% in 2010, to now just 40%, making him the worst CEO in the IT business.
Deep depression hidden for years
The result of years of failure are stacking up, which recently resulted in Microsoft’s board granting him only half of his potential bonus. Kenny G, long-time neighbor of Ballmer in Hunts Point, WA, reported that Ballmer was forced to sublet half of his mansion, as his gambling habbits made most of his $14 billion fortune disappear. Although Ballmer, who generally projects an image of over-the-top confidence, managed to swallow his true feelings for many years, but is now apparently coming down with a deep depression.
Lack of vision
Looking back, there are various reasons for this. What hit him hardest were accusations about a lack of vision. After board members and other high-ranking Microsoft management witnessed how Ballmer bumped into countless objects and people, he was ordered to get decent glasses. Ballmer complied and got himself trendy Gucci eyewear, but it didn’t help him create a successful mobile or search strategy.
Search engine crippled by Ballmer
Microsoft's CEO has lost his mind, at last
Another major disaster was Bing. Ballmer struggled for months with product managers, insisting that “Bing-Bang-Boing”, a name he came up with during an especially wild Friday afternoon round of drinks, would ensure great success in the search market. Eventually, Ballmer agreed to keep it to just “Bing”, after his secretary blackmailed him with photos of Ballmer standing in line to buy an iPad. Later, Ballmer crippled the search engine by demanding its results be sorted alphabetically, rather than by relevance. Only after Bing was forced down consumers’ throats by setting it as the default search engine in Internet Explorer and hiding Google, market share went up, but by then it was already too late to compete with Google.
Suicide attempt using Microsoft product
After failing to bring Microsoft any further in the field of smartphones, leading to the recent embarrassing joint venture with co-loser Nokia, Ballmer locked himself in his mansion for days, Kenny G reported to local reporters. On MSN, Ballmer told Bill Gates he could no longer bear the shame of his failures, and said he would take his own life using a beta version of Microsoft Suicide Express Edition, a new product which includes an military-grade Blue Screen of Death. Gates called 911 immediately, but medical attention was not required; Ballmer sustained only minor injuries when hitting the wall after the product crashed during installation.
Treatment and Microsoft response
Ballmer, who looked visibly depressed after failing even his own suicide according to family members, was taken to a nearby mental institution for clinical treatment. A Microsoft spokesman responded to the tragedy yesterday, saying Microsoft will go back to use Nostradomus readings to determine corporate strategy.
